Turning point

There comes a moment when I realize I can no longer find pleasure in receiving. The life I once knew – offering a smorgasbord of pleasures – becomes empty and even disgusting. This emptiness compels me to search for pleasures through bestowal. At first, my intentions remain selfish, but the actions themselves begin to involve giving. I find myself engaging with others, attempting to create mutually bestowing group actions that still bring pleasure, though rooted in self-interest.

Through this process, a clarity begins to emerge. I feel that I can only experience true pleasure in a unique, conscious, and purposeful environment. In this environment, my aim shifts – from instinctive and automatic selfish reception to selfless service and loving bestowal to others. Even though my intentions are still not entirely pure, this step signifies a move toward genuine bestowal, where even the smallest drop of intention begins to shift toward selflessness and unconditional service.

At this stage, I am practicing love and service of others, but still with selfish motivations. I continue only because I am fleeing the emptiness and destructiveness of egoistic reception. Yet, this phase is crucial. It allows me to focus on the intention behind my actions, as I have already explored and tested the external deeds. Now, the correction of intention remains as the primary task.

It is a hard and long path to understand that unless I purify my intention – until it becomes completely selfless love and bestowal – I remain outside the true system of reality. In this state, I cannot connect with nature’s single creating and governing force. This realization drives the need for a special environment, a kind of laboratory where everyone works together, practicing and striving for mutual support and bestowal. Within this unique environment, we examine the intentions behind our actions, enabling us to correct and refine them.

The laboratory’s mutual commitment and practical method gradually transform my expectations and rewards. No longer do I yearn for egocentric gratification or self-justifying fulfillment. Instead, I begin to desire a new reward: the ability to act entirely outside of and independent from the desires, thoughts, and viewpoints of the egoistic self. This shift marks a profound change. The new reward becomes the experience of receiving a higher kind of fuel from nature’s developmental forces – a fuel that allows me to act without self-interest, solely for the sake of others.

At this point, I start to feel a separation from the destructive thoughts, desires, and actions of the ego. I realize I am no longer driven by the usual selfish fuel. Instead, I am powered by the “clean fuel” of reality’s single operating and creating force – a force characterized by pure, absolute, and selfless love and bestowal.

The environment becomes increasingly critical, while my original physical and corporeal surroundings – rooted in the selfish ego – fade into the background. Only in this unique setting can I free myself from the ego’s influence and acquire the qualities and abilities needed to align with nature’s single, all-encompassing creating and governing force. Through the impressions and support of others in this environment, I begin to absorb new desires, thoughts, and viewpoints. These allow me to exist and act beyond myself, independent of selfish, egotistic, and subjective calculations.

Eventually, I reach a point where the importance of connecting with reality’s single governing force – by becoming similar to it – becomes undeniable. Even the smallest, previously imperceptible connection to self-interest becomes intolerable. A deep and irrepressible yearning arises: to sever all ties to the original egoistic self and become entirely free from its influence.

At this point, I can almost taste the reality I have been striving for. It feels like existing without self-interest, as though I no longer exist for myself at all. I find myself “floating in thin air,” detached from the ground of egoism, suspended “between heaven and earth.” This state becomes the only reality I desire. Not reaching it fills me with a unique kind of pain – a “love suffering” – that drives me to give up anything and everything connecting me to the old self. I yearn to enter that new, selfless state completely.

This journey is an essential turning point. It is the process of transcending the ego and finding harmony with nature’s single creating and governing force. It is a step-by-step movement toward liberation, where true existence lies in selfless love and bestowal.