Existing Through Deficiency: A Journey Toward Divine Connection
In the quiet depths of our souls, there lies a yearning — a restless ache that cannot be soothed by the fleeting pleasures of the material world. This is not a yearning for wealth, status, or even love as we know it, but a profound deficiency, a void that only the Creator — reality’s singular governing force — can fill. To exist through this deficiency is to embrace a radical shift: to move away from chasing fulfillment in our desires and instead to live in constant dependence on the Creator, perpetually asking for something we cannot grasp or hold, something only He can provide.
This journey begins with a humbling realization: we are utterly incapable of connecting to the Creator without His help. The Creator is not a distant deity but the very essence of reality, defined by qualities of pure, selfless, and unconditional love and bestowal. He exists solely to serve and nurture others, with no thought for His own being. To draw near to Him, we must become like Him, adopting His godly qualities. Yet, we are born with natures that are the stark opposite — selfish, egoistic, and individualistic. This contrast is not a mistake but a purposeful design, for only through opposition can we truly recognize and understand the divine.
Our inherent qualities, like a gravitational force, tether us to the ground of self-interest. We cannot change ourselves; only the Creator can lend us His qualities, allowing us to rise above our nature. This requires a “supernatural” existence — one that defies our instincts and demands a constant, sharp connection to Him through prayer and an unceasing sense of lack. We must yearn to float above the pull of our ego, to break free from its destructive hold. This is not a passive longing but a fierce, deliberate rejection of our inherent nature, which we come to see as a cancer — consuming and destroying all that it touches.
The pain of this recognition is profound. We must grow to despise our ego so deeply that we cannot bear to exist within its grasp, while simultaneously craving the Creator’s life-giving qualities so intensely that life without them feels unimaginable. This is a “life or death” need, a desperation that proves to the Creator the sincerity of our request. Only then do we merit His godly qualities, which we use to neutralize and cover our ego, climbing the rungs of similarity with Him.
This path stands in stark contrast to the lives we once lived, where we chased material desires and fleeting joys. Now, our focus shifts to cultivating an ever-growing deficiency — not for things, but for the Creator’s essence. The reward we seek is singular: to become like Him, to live selflessly, serving others with no thought for ourselves. In this state, we feel life itself through His love and bestowal, as His qualities flow through us, guiding our actions and desires.
Yet, even this yearning cannot be solitary. We cannot demand these qualities for ourselves alone; our deficiency must extend beyond personal gain. This is where the power of a unique, mutually committed community comes into play — a circle of souls united in the same spiritual pursuit. Within this environment, we learn to absorb the deficiencies of others, to subjugate ourselves completely to their needs. This act of self-nullification is not easy; it requires us to surrender our ego’s demands and pray not for our own elevation, but for the Creator to help others draw closer to Him. In this selfless prayer, we become vessels for divine assistance, caring nothing for our own fate.
This process ignites an internal war, a relentless struggle against our ego, which fights with all its might to derail our progress. The ego is cunning, whispering doubts and temptations, reminding us of the comfort of our old ways. Alone, we are powerless against it, for it is far stronger than our initial aspirations. Yet, we are not alone. Through the Creator’s help and the support of our spiritual community, we begin to carve out a space of independence — an observer within us that stands between the ego’s destructiveness and the Creator’s life-giving qualities. This observer, born of contrast, learns to discern truth from falsehood, recognizing that only the Creator’s qualities can sustain and nurture life.
With each choice to reject the ego and embrace self-annulment, we grow more confident. The Creator’s force becomes tangible, not as imagination or wishful thinking, but as a real, transformative power that lifts us above our nature, granting us wings to soar. We build within ourselves an image of the Creator, a soul — a new sensory organ tuned to His frequency. This is not abstract theology but a practical, visceral practice. We learn to act “like the Creator” toward others, serving them with unconditional love, and in doing so, we forge a constant partnership with Him.
This spiritual life is sharp and vivid, a dance of tension between our ego’s pull and the Creator’s embrace. We live in acute awareness of our cancer-like nature, terrified of its power to reclaim us, and so we turn ceaselessly to the Creator, pleading for His qualities to cloak us, to hold our ego at bay. In return, we offer ourselves as channels for His love, transparent capillaries through which His nurturing force flows to others. This is our payment, our merit — our unwavering commitment to His service, to becoming vessels of His boundless, selfless love.
To exist through deficiency is to live in a state of holy unrest, forever reaching for the divine while standing firm against the ego’s tide. It is a path of struggle, yes, but also of profound beauty — a journey toward a connection so deep and true that it redefines what it means to be alive. In this constant yearning, we find not emptiness, but the fullness of the Creator’s presence, guiding us, sustaining us, and calling us ever closer to His heart.